I used to make this really fantastic black bean chili – vegetarian. I would never finish it, but it froze quite well, so I did that. One day, I got a hot dog craving. This is not unusual in the course of being a vegetarian for 25 years. The only dogs I’ve ever found to be up to snuff – though I haven’t tried Field Roast yet – are Smart Dogs. Actual meat eaters say they’re kind of awful, but they recall the real thing to me. At any rate, I remembered my frozen black bean chili, got the Smart Dogs on the grill, and voila – vegetarian chili dogs! They were quite good, probably through a combination of good cooking (the chili) and memory lane (the hot dogs).
So there you have it. Another post of random inanities! I guess this may be how it begins. Good day to you.
…by an errant twisty-tie. Yep. That’s pretty much the story of my life writ tiny. Also: my cat batted a brown marmorated stink bug around awhile back… and now my bedroom smells like rotten cilantro. SO FABULOUS.
So. Maybe I’m back in the saddle again with the writing? If that’s what this is. Random thoughts at the moment, clearly, but maybe it’ll morph into actual writing at some point. I need an outlet that isn’t my cat, and I refuse to crawl back to Facebook. NEVER AGAIN. So, maybe?
I am so tired of love, at least with regard to the romantic variety. It’s always disappointing, in so many different ways. It hurts, and I hate it. I hate love. Isn’t that ridiculous?
I am so full of… stuff – longing, anger, agitation, expectations, disappointment, ferocity, sadness – a whole gamut of grinding, vivid emotion. I don’t really know what to do with it all. Or, rather, I do, but I am hesitating to act… because I simultaneously feel frozen by the black dog. Depression.
I guess that’s it for now.
I am totally and completely an introvert. I need scads of alone time, and I am terrible in party situations – I end up on the edges with the pets or the children or the plants. I’m one of those rare-ish introverts who present in public as an extrovert (maybe not so rare, now that I think about it! it’s a survival mechanism…)… and I do actually enjoy people. I care about people quite a lot. All of this to say: I am lonely. I really am. I want someone to be with. I want someone to talk to. I want someone who accepts me and likes talking to me. Not all the time – I know humans are humans – we are all prickly and difficult some (or a lot) of the time. I want someone who doesn’t constantly compare me to women 20 and 30 years younger than me. I can’t be that. And I want someone who wants what I have to offer right now, because it isn’t so terrible.
Two very short texts today – for once, he initiated the first one – it was short in the extreme, so my response was as well. The second one was a mass text I sent to several friends because I finally have my Ohio RN license in hand. He said congrats, I said thank you. That’s all. Still no email and definitely no FB – FB is where he lives. I hate FB. HATE. Anyway… clearly, no phone calls. I think it’s been a year since he actually called me first. Maybe longer. That’s a sad state of affairs.
I am sleepy and feeling like I want a hug – this is the hardest time. I WILL NOT talk to him, though. He doesn’t deserve it. And I deserve better.